I’m doing something normal today. I’m going to buy two tickets to the new Star Wars so I can see it with my hubby next month. I’m also hanging up four pictures in what I call the “fern room” (it’s just my living room, but in my mind, it’s Longwood Gardens), and I’m going to attempt to start cleaning up the trail of detritus from the funeral. Detritus was dad’s favorite word to describe our rooms when my brother and I were growing up. He would be horrified at leaving a mess in his name. Anyway, it is brighter today, in every meaning of the word.
I thought about maybe writing down how it all happened when I got the call, because I want to remember. I keep trying to remember, wanting to remember every detail because if I hold onto it I can _____? I don’t know what lol. Of course I can’t; that’s not the point of life. I have to forget some of it, someday. I think we’re meant to, if we’re ever to move on, anyway.
But also, I want to write it down because it takes more energy to keep it in than to put ‘pen to paper’ as it were. Once it’s out, it’s out. I avoided counseling for years because of a fear of having to “relive” some of life’s trauma, but the truth is, it takes far more effort to keep something tamped down and repressed than to just deal with it. It’s like, counseling’s biggest secret lol – the anticipatory fear is the worst part. You’ve already lived through the mess. Counseling just does the dishes and finally cleans up the sink.
I mentioned somewhere earlier that I had been dreading this day since I was 14 years old, and you know what? Having wasted a good portion of the past 21 years with that nagging fear and dread, I would give that a solid 0/10, do not recommend. It’s so dumb. A complete waste of time. Don’t do it. Why on earth would you live through something twice through worry? When the worst comes, it’s gonna come, and you’re going to get obliterated either way. But you’ll make it – you will make it. So you may as well not suffer through it twice by worrying about it, whatever your “it” is, every day until it happens. Each day that it is Today, it’s a gift. Solomon said it better in Ecclesiastes:
“Indeed, how can people avoid what they don’t know is going to happen? None of us can hold back our spirit from departing. None of us has the power to prevent the day of our death. There is no escaping that obligation, that dark battle…So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun.”Ecclesiastes 8, excerpts
“Light is sweet; how pleasant to see a new day dawning. When people live to be very old, let them rejoice in every day of life. But let them also remember there will be many dark days. Everything still to come is meaningless. Young people, it’s wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do. So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless.”Ecclesiastes 11:7-10
That Solomon, he was probably a real hit at parties.
Alright, see you tomorrow.